Most people fear getting a “No” and that moves them into greater Need. In reality depending on how you negotiate it, a “No” can be your great friend and teacher. If you really have something of great value that can genuinely take away the Pain of the other, my experience suggests that if you handle a “No” skillfully, the other player will pay an even greater price sometime in the future than you are proposing at the Present, especially, as is often the case, their Pain increases rather than subsiding. The Power of No is counterintuitive. You must validate this for yourself.
Practice:
- 3 times this week where you received a “No” from a player or organization you might really help, were unphased, perhaps even a bit bemused, and carried on. You keep their Pain point in mind, and from time to time inquire how they are doing. If you are informed the Pain has not be solved but is actually intensifying, you re-engage, present effectively, and observe what happens.
- You realize, of course, that a “No” is just one decision. Like all illusions, it passes. It is insubstantial, airy nothing. You flow over it.
Exercise Your Option to Say ‘No’
The reciprocal ability of not fearing a ‘No’ is to exercise your option to say ‘No’. This option—indeed some might urge that saying ‘No’ is a basic human right—is suppressed in many cultures. Throughout Western European and American culture until very recently women have been strongly discouraged and even socially sanctioned for exercising this right. In the Japanese language a ‘No’ is handled subtly to avoid direct confrontation. “It may be difficult” or even “I will adopt a forward looking attitude” (maemuki ni kento shimasu) actually strongly suggests a ‘No,’ notwithstanding its ambiguity. In his seminal work Man’s Search for Meaning, Viktor Frankl recounts he was able to survive by finding opportunities to reaffirm life purpose through Beauty, notwithstanding the improbable ghastly conditions of Auschwitz.
Practice:
Using Field Notes, generate a Practice Series on Exercising Your Option to Say ‘No’, and track for a month 3 situations where you win, fall off, and recover. Observe how this basic shift in behavior generates positive ripple effects in other moves.
Reference:
- Jim Camp, The Power of “No”